again..too lazy…but it’s summer

June 7, 2010

stick a fork in me
preferably through the heart
i’ll turn my head away and wait
done, charcoal black
burned to a crisp
but still sitting on a plate
on the dining room table
waiting to be wanted
and nobody gets how i feel
it’s not like the whole world sits on this
that it’s oxygen or water
it’s just another lie
one fewer blessing to count
and my blessing stash is running so low
i can count them on two hands
but you see God, i’ve got these fingers and toes
and i’m starting to get old
so old i have to decide
what path i take
and i don’t know where you want me to go
because i have had these dreams and desires
but you haven’t really stoked the fire
and this growing fear of debt and poverty
speaks loud and clear to me
i want to burn it all down
so everything else is as unappealing as me
overcooked
because you can’t fit the whole world in a trashbag
and we’re all doomed anyway
i’ve always wanted a twin
to fit in
to be exactly alike
and maybe they won’t spread Godly lies
about how good things happen to good people
and that husbands are doled out so girls can survive
because i don’t have either
and i’m only getting better and stronger
i breathe alone
my lungs are getting stronger
but that means i’m often unappealing
everyone wants to exhale for someone else
but i don’t need you to
i know it’s callous
and misanthropic
but i’ll be okay in a landfill or compost
because no one values me
i don’t dwell on it though
because i keep looking for the sun
the son
or my husband
an empty plate
a mirror reflection
anything to keep my eyes forward
and away from the trash around me

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I’m not editing because I’m too tired

June 4, 2010

Everything around me is singing
with that summertime burning
the cry of heat, happiness and happenings
but nothing good is ever happening
i am like a wax candle kept on a windowsill
perfuming a room with an unknown smell
find me
the odor wafting over beds and nightstands
lingering like a one night stand
beckoning like the night prior
i need this
come and get it
and summer has melted me
but if we move away from the heat
i will revert back to my solid form
and sit silent, odorless
summer is what makes me a mess
i am missing out on plans
not like invitations without RSVP
like hours scheduled for me
make my life worthwhile
i keep praying
and praying and speaking
meaning i say i believe you
but it’s getting harder
every pitfall is a blessing
but for once could you send me something not in disguise
because i have enough fake
it oozes from everyone’s pores
and i just need something real
good born of good
like god born of man
you don’t have to take souls back
just show me something i can hold onto
something pure and good
i’m sure we’re cursed
nearly positive
because three letters confirm it
bpd.
tangibility has always been a big deal with me
i need to touch and feel
touching and feeling is reserved for this keyboard
and the pain i feel everywhere
the broken down ache
like a new car that won’t start
or is undriveable
needing more
just like me
but it seems impossible
so i act out and commit crimes
because it seems impossible
and i need to teach myself to believe
that everything is possible
but if there’s a road that isn’t gravel
or a detour past the construction
could you post some signs??
poured out
poored out
whored out
to corporations
smiling and nodding
talking with poise.


Emotional Sludge (edit free poetry)

June 4, 2010

…..jfdfhjk
words are the root of meaning
of everything
but words won’t convey what i’m meaning
to say in this situation
beginning at the beginning
a bear-like post-meal hibernation had begun
and she came running
calmly
by with importance in her voice
and i knew something was wrong
but when i got there
i never expected what i saw
the pounding in my chest and brain
providing a bass line
for the high whir of sirens
screeching halt
and then it was gone
out of sight but burned in my mind
so i cleared out
too nervous to stop
i started pacing, but only forward
and i had myself convinced i could do it
but somehow our selfish mother sent a chauffeur
next time i’d prefer champagne on ice…
or at least an admittance that you favor
don’t worry i get it,
and i will continue to harbor this bitter resentment
because you never let me be a kid
but this should be about the kid
and she was fine
still a perfect porcelain doll
intended to be propped up
and life kept moving
like a car down a turnpike
running out of gas and money
and too afraid to even breathe
but baby’s okay and that is all that matters./
except two things…
my home is a ghost town
i hate being here
especially in my bed
because i know if i fall asleep i will have to wake up
and what if it’s for you, not because you’re pulling my hair
but because you need me
to coach your mother through
and the other is best friends
i have a problem with abandonment
ever since ever
and you know that
this bears the same sting of rejection
hole up you two lovebirds,
i will move north for the winter
and let you freeze
because you weren’t there
because i refuse to play catch up
especially since this is our summer
all i really want is someone to cry to
someone i feel like i can cry in front of
and sadly, i don’t think i have anyone
also, i need you to be the best friend
who is waiting with a drink
but you aren’t waiting at all
mkndjdnd
sknmksdvkvk
i go through everything alone
because i hide away


4 years

May 26, 2010

It has been ages and days
I wrote a goodbye letter to you
But it has probably become soil
Reverting back to earth
The one we both came from
But you went back to way too soon
And you left me with your brothers
Who were older than me
And unrelated
But I did my best
I made them keep their eyes forward
But I couldn’t help but look back
Because you forced me
Pushing me into life
And I had to leave your brothers
So they keep living the same life
Like a CD with a scratch
stuck in the same place
Counting years from 5-25 to 5-25
And even though my heart aches
And wants to teach them better
You don’t hurt me anymore
I learned to breathe.


My house is a zoo

May 25, 2010

There may not be bars or cages
We are the peacocks and petting zoo animals
Roaming freely and socializing
Breathing in the scent of lions and carnivores
And at times not regarding distance
Getting too close
Understanding the misfortune of bears’ cave
Refusing care and zookeeping
Growing out of the confines
We are made for jungles
But kept in museums
Meant to educate everyone but us
Screeches and cries beg for tree tops
I was made for the rainforest’s humidity
My family is rooted deep
In thousand year old trees
So don’t barricade us
In an environment with lions from Africa
And bears from the Arctic
Because my short peacock feathers
May not be extravagant,
But they beg for trees
Not here but overseas.


This isn’t about love (revision one)

May 20, 2010

Born at a disadvantage
This double x has me messed up
Rambling teachers taught me about tubes
And journeys inside my body
That cause the curse
But that isn’t the problem
This isn’t a formal complaint against my uterus
Because I cherish it
The base of life
A place we have all been
But decades after de Beauvoir
We are digging
Like D&C instruments
For answers in the membrane
That surrounds the medical field
Why is ovulation enough?
As though knowing how it happens
Is good enough for half the worlds population
There are stores filled with
Books about fertility
Lunar cycles
And still more is known about the moon
We landed there decades ago
But men have been landing women
For centuries
But unlike the moon
Their voyages are for bragging
Not research and discovery
And because of it
Growths are nothing
Forgotten and overlooked
Until there’s nothing but headstones
They claim to worship it
And I suppose it’s only fitting
That it can kill silently
But this isn’t just about pain
It’s about that burning pleasure
The one women were denied
And even after the sexual liberation(s)
Women are meant to enjoy it
No one knows how it works
The big O hanging like a moon
And they know all
About that big ball of cheese
But nobody can explain
The female body
At least not scientifically
Only poetically
Using adjectives and colorful language
But that won’t keep anyone alive
It won’t cure unknown diseases
It won’t find nerve endings
So stop writing about it
Don’t think about looking at it
Unless you love the curves
Enough to search
Even if it means forever
Because we claim
To be so much more progressive
Than Middle Eastern nations
And while a Saudi woman can’t drive
The men around her see
Her as a gem
To be protected and hidden
But the red, white and blue
Gives you a loophole
You can disregard the power
And by doing so
Don’t have to love or strive
For the female anatomy
Put on a white coat
And rubber gloves
For once, force yourself to examine
The second sex
Because it’s all you’re after
Realize your responsibility
Is not the next morning
Or the next nine months
It is to know as much about
The craters and occasional stones
That are on our planet
As you know about the light in the night sky
That is a whole spaceship ride away


This is not about love

May 19, 2010

Born at a disadvantage
This double x has me messed up
Rambling teachers taught me about tubes
And journeys inside my body
That cause the curse
But that isn’t the problem
This isn’t a formal complaint against my uterus
Because I cherish it
The base of life
But decades after de Beauvoir
We are digging
Like D and C instruments
For answers in the membrane
That surrounds the medical field
Why is ovulation enough?
Books about fertility
Lunar cycles
And still more is known about the moon
Growths are nothing
Forgotten and overlooked
Until there’s nothing but headstones
They claim to worship it
And I suppose it’s only fitting
That it can kill silently
But this isn’t just about pain
It’s about that burning pleasure
The one women were denied
And even after the sexual liberation(s)
No one knows how it works
The big O hanging like a moon
And they know all about it
But nobody can explain
The female body
At least not scientifically
Only poetically
Using adjectives and colorful language
But that won’t keep anyone alive
It won’t cure unknown diseases
It won’t find nerve endings
So stop writing about it
Don’t think about looking at it
Unless you love the curves
Enough to search
Even if it means forever


I like my skin I’m wrapped up in

May 14, 2010

I first fell in love in the 4th grade
When you told me your name, Angel
Or your best friend Bonita
The next year it was LaRussia
In high school there was Prometheus and Shantelle
And in college: Carolina, Ifteqar and Kuguru
But this love isn’t about names
It’s about skin, Not skin what’s within
This love runs deep
Like rivers between rice and beans
Like valleys in collard greens
Like oceans of curries
Whose tides I want to be caught in
To drown and die
Let my body be found
In the space that divides culture
And bury me so deep
That no one knows my skin color
Because I don’t want to be marked
Branded as the oppressor
I didn’t hurt you
Or your ancestors
But you hate me anyway
You barricade me out
But I can’t blame you
My color is like poison
The kind that takes your firstborn
And exploits it for cash
Because white skin is greedy
And you won’t ever get it
Strive forever
But I am predisposed
If I could rid myself of my jewelry
And change genders
This isn’t Freudian
It’s for real
I can barely identify
Because my white skin encases XX
And thus I am oppressed
You think it doesn’t compare
But I will go on
Believing it does
Because I will take anything that makes us closer.


Life

May 11, 2010

You’re the kind of lover
That makes my heart beat fast
You make my skin tingle
But you take that same skin
And cover it with bruises
Then stay to see how it will heal
You make my flesh crawl
Towards you
So cuts and scrapes mark our love
A back and forth relationship
Where you have to be in control
I am forced to submit
Because without you I’d die
But I must say,
I’m getting a little tired
Of this back and forth euphoria
It’s pretty messed up
That neither of us can be high at the same time
And when you’re high you get abusive
Knocking me around like a ragdoll
But I love you
So I tell you i love you
And you react fast
Not with reciprocity
But with a hand around my throat
And I can’t leave
Because I need you to breathe
Every inhale is a reminder
That I better deal with it if I want to exhale
It’s too bad our story won’t get picked up by tabloid papers
There won’t be articles about my black eyes
I have no umbrella to hide under
So just pull the trigger
Let me wither and fall apart
Don’t worry, I’ll tell everyone you love me
You’re so good I would never leave
I get time to love those in need
Just so long as you’re always in control
Which isn’t hard
You move so fast everything follows
You’re the problem, cause and solution
So listen
Life. you’re a little hard on me
But I will go on living and loving you
I’m strong enough to take a beating


Summer

May 11, 2010

Glass bottles
Best friends
Late nights
Tables with tips on them
Fabric and geometry
Solvable problems
Prayer towards tomorrow
Chicken scratch in leather
Bound tight to my heart
Words resonating in speakers
Open mic stages
Beckoning me
Coffee brewed and served black
Boys with skin in coffee shades
Pink bows and flowers
For baby girl with the mouth
Swimsuit skin baked to beauty
And a body to match
A return to a new home
With a kitchen that calls
I’ll let you own me, summer
Just promise to treat me right