Archive for June, 2010

Burning

June 29, 2010

I’ve seen this fire in your eyes since before I can remeber

And it used to be fine, but now I’m the timber

Sitting by with no control

I wait to burn

It’s better to be engulfed than to be waiting

Because everything is wrong

I know I’ll be like you

Soon the victim will become the victimizer

I will be the only full of fire

But for now I’ll wait out this depression

This ditch you’ve caught me in

I read the symptoms and I know the signs

I won’t burn everyone like you do

I don’t deserve anything good

So I’ll take your spark and burn everything down

When I’m nothing but fire everything else is ash

This brand new relationship, and all the old

Ought to be gone my this time tomorrow

You see, I can’t function properly

And apparently I’ll lose love all together

Then sex will go

A broken toy, unable to smile or make anyone else smie

I don’t want to cry

But most of all I don’t want you to see me

So tomorrow and next year can burn in hell

Because I have it all mapped out

I will leave everything I love

Because one day I won’t love and life will have been a waste

God is love. And when we take up permanent residence in a house of love we live in God and He lives in us.

But it is too bad, you see that my house burned down

And I can’t love a bare foundation and charred walls

So just like Job I will bear this burden and pray I may praise

Pray I may praise

Because I’ve become prey

Don’t act like you get it or apologize

Just don’t talk to me

Let me cool off

Expectanceland

June 23, 2010

I still wore shorts under my dresses
To ensure that no one got an eyeful on the playground
It was on the playground that I saw you
A sight to see, but no one else glanced
You rushed
I wanted to know where to
Because I wanted to be like you
So I followed, close enough to track
But too far for you to notice
And we fell
Not together, but separate
I was falling for you
But not in love with you
I fell for years
And hit rock bottom
You were no where to be found
I figured you had gone into one of the doors
But there was no way of knowing for sure
Until I saw it
A key, beckoning…unlocking
The smallest door
Which encased a beautiful place
But I couldn’t get there
The doorway teased and taunted
Somehow I always get what I’m desiring
Call it willpower
Or, more specifically, resourcefulness
Because I always find a way
And this time it involved a drink
But you see, I got too good at that drink
And the cake too
A party for one is desperate
I was desperate to balance my size
So I could make my dreams come true.

look forward to….

June 21, 2010

incinerate…spontaneous combustion…self absorbed…burrrnnnn

a re imagining of alice in wonderland (better than burton)

love in the time of ‘pression

and much more.
Tomorrow is another day, one I will spend click clacking away.

June 16, 2010

deprimió más que nunca

bimianbd

June 12, 2010

I didn’t do it
I don’t know how to tell you
You had the idea in your head
And I affirmed it
Falsely, with no real gain
A loss of something I never gifted
But I feel it’s fitting
Because the title is similar to the truth

bows and handlebars

June 11, 2010

I want to be young again
So that I only worry about my bike
And where my handlebar streamers disappeared to
Or how fast my arm will heal
So I can swim and shower normally
I’ll spend hours picking out outfits
And playing with barbie
Dreaming of how beautiful I will be
As a model
Or how my words will captivate
And I’ll be rich
I want to have those worries back
The fear that I will be the last
In my class to get laid
(which was true, but I’m okay)
I want to worry about my dogs
And my family
And whether or not that boy likes me
But I guess my stress hasn’t changed
It’s evolved
Everything is the same I’m just older
As I matured so did those ideas
It’s not bikes, but cars
My arm healed fine, but I’m ticking
And barbie instilled a beauty I can’t
I won’t walk runways
My body is thick, like a tree
Still waiting to be climbed
I’m holding captive an audience of one
No matter how many read
Nobody pays me
Everything is always the end of the world
But I’m just getting started.

grill marks

June 10, 2010

Every breeze makes the burn worse
Black char lines on one side
But heat is all I know
Crisp and cooked
I’d rather be this done
Than never have done
See, every hurt means
That when I get off this fire
I’ll appreciate the free air
And I’ve learned to love the grill rack
Keeping space
Saving me
So fire it up, it’s summer again

short circuited

June 10, 2010

Psalm 121
A Pilgrim Song
1-2 I look up to the mountains; does my strength come from mountains?
No, my strength comes from God,
who made heaven, and earth, and mountains.

3-4 He won’t let you stumble,
your Guardian God won’t fall asleep.
Not on your life! Israel’s
Guardian will never doze or sleep.

5-6 God’s your Guardian,
right at your side to protect you—
Shielding you from sunstroke,
sheltering you from moonstroke.

7-8 God guards you from every evil,
he guards your very life.
He guards you when you leave and when you return,
he guards you now, he guards you always.

again..too lazy…but it’s summer

June 7, 2010

stick a fork in me
preferably through the heart
i’ll turn my head away and wait
done, charcoal black
burned to a crisp
but still sitting on a plate
on the dining room table
waiting to be wanted
and nobody gets how i feel
it’s not like the whole world sits on this
that it’s oxygen or water
it’s just another lie
one fewer blessing to count
and my blessing stash is running so low
i can count them on two hands
but you see God, i’ve got these fingers and toes
and i’m starting to get old
so old i have to decide
what path i take
and i don’t know where you want me to go
because i have had these dreams and desires
but you haven’t really stoked the fire
and this growing fear of debt and poverty
speaks loud and clear to me
i want to burn it all down
so everything else is as unappealing as me
overcooked
because you can’t fit the whole world in a trashbag
and we’re all doomed anyway
i’ve always wanted a twin
to fit in
to be exactly alike
and maybe they won’t spread Godly lies
about how good things happen to good people
and that husbands are doled out so girls can survive
because i don’t have either
and i’m only getting better and stronger
i breathe alone
my lungs are getting stronger
but that means i’m often unappealing
everyone wants to exhale for someone else
but i don’t need you to
i know it’s callous
and misanthropic
but i’ll be okay in a landfill or compost
because no one values me
i don’t dwell on it though
because i keep looking for the sun
the son
or my husband
an empty plate
a mirror reflection
anything to keep my eyes forward
and away from the trash around me

I’m not editing because I’m too tired

June 4, 2010

Everything around me is singing
with that summertime burning
the cry of heat, happiness and happenings
but nothing good is ever happening
i am like a wax candle kept on a windowsill
perfuming a room with an unknown smell
find me
the odor wafting over beds and nightstands
lingering like a one night stand
beckoning like the night prior
i need this
come and get it
and summer has melted me
but if we move away from the heat
i will revert back to my solid form
and sit silent, odorless
summer is what makes me a mess
i am missing out on plans
not like invitations without RSVP
like hours scheduled for me
make my life worthwhile
i keep praying
and praying and speaking
meaning i say i believe you
but it’s getting harder
every pitfall is a blessing
but for once could you send me something not in disguise
because i have enough fake
it oozes from everyone’s pores
and i just need something real
good born of good
like god born of man
you don’t have to take souls back
just show me something i can hold onto
something pure and good
i’m sure we’re cursed
nearly positive
because three letters confirm it
bpd.
tangibility has always been a big deal with me
i need to touch and feel
touching and feeling is reserved for this keyboard
and the pain i feel everywhere
the broken down ache
like a new car that won’t start
or is undriveable
needing more
just like me
but it seems impossible
so i act out and commit crimes
because it seems impossible
and i need to teach myself to believe
that everything is possible
but if there’s a road that isn’t gravel
or a detour past the construction
could you post some signs??
poured out
poored out
whored out
to corporations
smiling and nodding
talking with poise.