Archive for January, 2010

starvation

January 29, 2010

Class was cancelled because of winter. I wish they weren’t. I sat around in my room all day. Starving for social interaction. My roommate and I all day. I miss Barbie. It would be fun to be trapped with her. Cuddle time and giggles. Not anymore.

The more you kiss boys you don’t know the more you want to. Everywhere I look…
Proof I’m becoming a tramp?

New page of the same chapter.

I am starving myself again. Purposefully. I should stop.

FC is talking to me again, but only in snide comments. Pointless. Why do I care?

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I’m ready for a funeral

January 28, 2010

I have fallen deeply in love with Kid Cudi. Even though he smokes pot. He says all the words I need to hear. And even though he drops the occasional n-word I respect him.
The prayer. Amen.

Shouldn’t we all be ready for a funeral?

Bad habits

January 27, 2010

I overslept. Which means Xon ate breakfast alone. Without a devotional. This is like the hundredth day I’ve done this.

I also planned on finishing homework this morning, and in order to do so I skipped class. Fundamentals. The class that may kill me. I’m contemplating visiting the prof later to get what I missed.

FC still isn’t talking to me. I’m not really sad, just bothered. I don’t understand him. Finally I’m realizing I don’t need to understand him. I don’t need to understand. I don’t need to. I don’t need. I don’t. (convincing right?)

I want to hole up in Song of Solomon. Not for eternity, just until Jesus returns.

“Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time is ripe, and you’re ready.”

More later.

January 27, 2010

I did it again. Not Britney style. There were no catsuits. Sadly.

I spent the weekend with Madison and Detroit. Which of course led to wild excursions, most of which are worth mentioning, but I’ll refrain. It was good.

So good, in fact, it instigated a fight with FC. He thinks he is my father. I don’t want him to be. He’s not talking to me for the time being.

I found out he’s moving to live with Madison maybe. I can’t handle the possibility of the guy I like living with my best friend. I am so torn up. I’ve been waiting for and wanting this to happen forever. But now that it’s a plausible I am crumbling. Besides he doesn’t like, or love me. All of my hopes are in vain.

Why waste time and effort on an impossible guy like FC, when hook-ups are much easier?

In fact, when I think about all the  time and effort Madison and Detroit expend attempting to keep their relationship stable I feel queasy. It’s like a part-time job where the pay is unquantifiable and never steady. It’s like being a waitress.  Why wait on love?

What is love? And who put it on the “must-have” list? Shakespeare? God? Man?

The search for love is masochistic, futile, selfish, and necessary. The search is never like the movies.

Sex and the City. That is the truth. Samantha ends up all alone.

Weather or not

January 27, 2010

The beginning. Like that first drop of rain that hits your head. Followed by a torrential downpour.

Drip.

For some reason I feel more like a breeze than a downpour right now. Like a lonely breeze on a hot summer day. One that surprises you with it’s cool and calm style.

So here it is. My blog. A lifetime of pointless ramblings. Most of it will mean nothing. Names will be changed to protect the innocent.